For the last ten days, I've been dying to tell a very embarrassing story but it's just too mortifying for so many reasons that I can't spill the beans in real life. I have to get this disastrous story off my chest before I explode, so thank goodness for my web anonymity. How did people survive their own big mouths before the internet and blog aliases?
Fact: I am maybe kinda sorta a prude. Kinda.
Fact: If you are my parents, my boyfriend, my boyfriend's parents or anyone else stumbling onto this blog and you think you might know me, please stop reading now.
Fact: I don't know how to say no.
I'm weak and impressionable and am high on paint fumes so can't be held responsible for this post at all. Blame Karen! If her life wasn't so complicated and busy right now, I wouldn't be blogging so much and thereby led into temptation!
SexySultry and Cashew are not what you could consider the best of friends. She's very kind to him, as she is to everyone, but he doesn't really match her in kindness or consideration. In fact, the last exchange they shared was 2 months ago while I was radio silent and ignoring all communication from him. Their "argument" basically started with him egging her on, dying for any kind of response from either one of us. She was having a bad day and he pushed all the wrong buttons. Their conversation ended with the sweetest, most compassionate (but still French) woman on earth screaming F@#K YOU at him and that was that. He never tried to apologize to her. He did send us an Easter package, however, that I had been conveniently avoiding telling her about.
When Cashew showed up in Paris on Good Friday, we ran into SexySultry unexpectedly. Just a few hours prior, when Cashew brought up the Easter package he'd sent us, I made it crystal clear that I was never going to mention it to SexySultry as I found it inappropriate. He thought he was being funny by bantering back and forth with me, threatening to email her with the detailed information I was so desperate to hide. When we ran into her, she politely greeted him and asked him how he's doing. He didn't even bother to partake in the same polite greeting before he announced, "I got you a surprise, but Shaboom won't give it to you!"
I did my best to put the kibosh on the whole conversation but SexySultry was not born yesterday. Quel dommage. So when I sat down to tea with SexySultry after Cashew flew back to America, it was no surprise that she immediately started grilling me before I could even tell her about how everything had gone over the weekend. I was very adamant that she would never know, that I would die with this secret, that she could torture me like the scary, tooth-extracting Chinese guy on Alias and I still wouldn't tell. But damn she's good. Sneaky good. And I still have all my teeth!
Because Cashew had tried EVERYTHING to get me to respond during those 3 months of silence, he dug deep into his arsenal of deviousness and decided to go on-line and buy me an Easter Rabbit. He figured he'd already tried bribing me, enticing me, pissing me off, offending me, being sweet... but he hadn't yet tried to embarrass me. He didn't care what he had to do, as long as he could get me to talk to him again. So the day before he showed up and knocked on the door, the postman brought a non-descript package that I eventually opened later in the evening. I cut through the tape and lifted first one cardboard flap, then the other. I lifted up the packaging materials and caught a glimpse of a millimeter of the contents for a nano-second before I slammed the package shut and hid it under a pile of crap.
Cashew bought me an Easter Rabbit and thought it was such a great idea that he bought a second one for SexySultry. I'm not talking about a live, Bugs Bunny rabbit. I'm talking about a battery operated, adult toy that we all saw Charlotte discover on Sex and the City. Yeah.
Needless to say, SexySultry was offended as she interpreted his peace offering as an insult. To her, it was his way of saying that she's so pathetic that she can't go out and find the real, live, breathing deal on her own. I had to painstakingly explain that he really is a nice guy and didn't mean it that way at all but that he is backwards and obviously misguided in his sense of humor. She eventually calmed down and may have forgiven him a little, but not before she made me extract the Easter Rabbits from their hiding place to complete our little show and tell session.