Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Nespresso Runs My Engine

Shaboom sends us her post from Paris, France:

Obsessed! got me hooked on Nespresso (or crack, as Cashew calls it) when I first moved to Paris (which is good since I never knew how to make coffee from scratch {because SwimSwim spoiled me with coffee in bed every day for 7 years} until ManEater taught me how to make it all by myself the summer before last in Venice Beach.)

I would like to claim that I've had absolutely no coffee yet today ...but we all know I would be lying.

I like the dark flavors best (Ristretto, Arpeggio, Capriccio, Volluto) and although I usually try limiting my crack intake to one or two per day, sometimes I overdo it and my friends end up receiving dozens of amped-up, barely intelligible, certifiably insane emails on such occasions.

Recent transgression:
Do you ever get obsessed with a chin hair that you can feel is there even though it's probably not yet catching anyone's attention other than your own but you're out in public or on a date or something with no mirror and no tweezers so you just sit there fondling that up-to-now invisible spot on your chin until you've scratched the crap out of it hard enough so it bleeds thereby drawing attention to something only psycho you had previously noticed? Yeah, because I sure as hell do.


longest run-on sentence ever
OMG i'm sorry you're my friend
Do you see what I mean? I also tend to throw out random slang terms like I think I'm a queeny gay man and I tend to try to offend as many people as possible. I would love to show you a clip of one of those emails but I don't want Karen to get mislabeled as racist or anti-freedom or something, which we all know would happen...

ANYWAYS, Nespresso! Yes. And George Clooney! Ah... I'm not sure if you're aware back in the big ol' U S of A but he is the spokesperson. There are lots of famous Americans who do advertisements over here. Tony Parker in currently starring in a Quick Burger commercial (Belgium & France's answer to McDonald's slash Burger King.) Who knew Tony Parker is French?!?! Oh. All of you? All of you but me? Yeah, I live under a rock.

Focus. George Clooney! Mmmm... he's dreamy. And he's super cute in the commercials. Here's a recent one that I particularly like...

So what was my original point for this post? Oh. Right. SexySultry is my hero. She noticed I was running out of capsules and went to the Nespresso store for me to stock back up. I love her. I gushed to Cashew about my love for "my wife" and the coffee delivery the other day. He was a little offended as he ordered the exact same amount of the exact same flavors 2 weeks ago from Nespresso to have shipped to me overnight as a surprise. Where was his love and gratitude, he wondered? The coffee he purchased online hasn't arrived yet. STRANGE.

I'm pretty sure some envious neighbor is stealing my mail. I'm also missing 3 paychecks. And the French postal service is not being helpful AT ALL. (A story for another day.)

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  1. well, that was a totally laugh out loud post...and YEAH i know exactly what you mean(the hair/chin thing)i drink a lot of the darker roasts too...is that my problem? glad to see you are posting again!!

  2. Thanks G!! It sometimes feels like I'm sending out posts to the big, black BEYOND where maybe no one is reading and those that are reading no comprende... you know? Thanks for being my kind of people and making me feel less crazy.

    But seriously, you can inspect your chin and NADA but a few hours later there is a hair the length of Pinocchio's nose. How do they grow that fast, those sneaky bastards?!

  3. laugh out loud part deux...me comprende but good-i can feel it before it "breaks through"...out come the tweezerman slanted grab-a-hold-of-anything tweezers N-O-T-H-I-N-G...AGAIN same result, except by the fifth or so time i have made what will become a scab...WOW way to get everyone to notice-the worse is when the sneaky bastards decide to start the growing season in the car....down comes the visor mirror who cares about traffic or anything else on the road-- i got me a hairy chin thingy going on...then if i can't see, it i adjust the rear view, to try and get an up close- better look at exactly what is going on...only to hear someone leaning on the horn and then i get ALL ANGRY and wind up flipping them off .... how messed up is that and you are so right... sneaky little bastards.... i'll get you yet... even if it means making my WHOLE FACE RED AND SCABBY!! on a more "normal" note keep writing -it's a great blog, built on a great concept, with two really different authors that creates a very unique and most enjoyable reading experience and not to mention you are f'en funny!!! i hope it's not the african exta bold dark roast level 5 talking....

  4. thanks again, G.

    stay safe on the road, though. i miss my car (which is still in LA.) it was the most private time of the day - and where i could pick my nose in peace. now i take transpo. don't think i'd be very popular picking the crap out of my nose up in there!!

  5. I'm back on the coffee again. Full tilt boogie.


  6. Entertaining post :)

    Ristretto and Arpeggio are my favorite flavors, along with Indria - which I find has a very unique and spicy flavor.

    The seasonal flavors have been so so, Cherry is a pretty good one, but only for milk based drinks for the most part.


  7. Thanks Julia! I'll have to try Indria next time. The December 7th order still hasn't been delivered to my house though. So I'm starting to get worried...