Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dogs and Children

Shaboom sends us her update from Paris, France :

Lately, it seems like it's sunny all day ...until I want to go outside, that is. Then it starts raining and everyone on the street who is on his way to the bakery or on a pause clope (cigarette break) or walking his dog looks up at the sky with an expression of putain de merde (very common French expression - click the link if you want to know what that means.)

Even the dog being walked seems annoyed, as if it would say, "Ah crap. Now my fur is going to get all frizzy, my paws and undercarriage will be covered in the sidewalk schmutz and don't get me started on the smell. No one likes the smell of wet dog. That coupled with my constant halitosis really isn't going to help my game. Guess I won't be getting any action tonight. I'm really sick of humping couch pillows."

You know, if dogs could talk and all.

Speaking of which, the stairwell smells like wet dog. I hate that smell. Don't non-pet residences exist? I know it may be un-PC to exclude certain people from a residence but retirement homes and nudist colonies exist... Why can't someone come up with pet-free or child-free apartment buildings??

While they're at it, child-free airlines would be nice too.

Have I mentioned that the toddler directly behind me on the flight the other day screamed the entire way?! I never knew such small creatures could make so much noise and for two hours straight. If it hadn't been 8am I would've bought a fifth of booze to down and then if I still wasn't unconscious, I would've knocked myself out by smashing the bottle against my forehead. Nothing like a minor concussion to get a little peace and quiet! When we landed, I got off that plane so fast you would've thought my ass was on fire.

In other news, I've been told I should open a day-care center. Yes, people. You can trust me with your children. I swear. I'm actually a very gifted teacher, believe it or not. I bet I could teach your kids lots of useful things besides being seen and not heard ...like swearing and smoking and stuff.

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